Suzy Knows Best

When all is said and done, what you take with you to the bathtub, inner closet, or basement during a tornado really says a lot about you.

During the flurry of tornadoes that passed through Atlanta heading east the weekend of March 15, 2008, I found myself getting the bathroom ready, here in Athens-Clarke County. The following list of items I put in the bathroom and in my pockets will tell you where my head was:

Dog leashes
Two cats
Waterproof coat
Bag of chocolate chips
Candles
Lighter
Glasses for computer
Glasses for TV
Flash drive with master’s degree papers on it
Sick dog’s Florinef pills
Phone
Wallet
Fixodent for temporary crown that keeps falling off

That says it all.

WFB died a couple weeks ago, and I’ve been thinking about him. I’m not completely liberal, but I’m nowhere near as conservative as he. I did, however, always enjoy hearing him talk. His voice and meter were one of a kind, for sure.

He wrote a book called God and Man at Yale, and I was interested in reading it, seeing as how I work in a law library and am pursuing a Masters in Library Science. I wanted to see what all the talk was about. The book is, in a nutshell, about Yale’s open suppression of students’ freedom of religion and religious beliefs.

I knew we would have the book, because we are a very important! law library whose law school is ranked in the top 20 of the Nation. We did, indeed, have it, but when I searched it online (from the back end of the OPAC, meaning not what the patron sees but what the library employees see) I found that the title was “suppressed!” That means we own the title but the public can’t see it. I was outraged. Why was this title suppressed? Who was suppressing it? Why was the public not allowed to know we owned it, and why could they not see it.

After some time, I was able to find out that the title was actually lost. It had  been missing long enough to declare it gone, and the record was, therefore, suppressed. Oh, well…all that outrage for nothing.

Last week, I was talking to the woman who cuts my hair. She told me she “fixes hair” on the deceased at a local funeral home. She gets $35 per style.

Thinking that the family paid $35 for the styling and wanting to do the right thing, she told me she originally declined taking the fee. She did it for free as a favor to the family. Then she found out the funeral home charges the family $200 for cutting and styling their deceased relative’s hair, so she began to take the money, but now she gives it back to the family. I think it’s a nice gesture.

Next time you hear about someone’s overpriced haircut, look no further than your local funeral home for bilking at its best.

One of my favorite breakfasts is “Moonstruck Breakfast.” This is a term a friend and I coined after watching the movie Moonstruck. There’s a scene where breakfast is being cooked and the camera briefly shows the frying pan with slices of bread that have holes cut out, eggs in the holes, and some diced, roasted red peppers in the pan. We actually, stopped the movie and took a closer look, tried the recipe and really liked it. We called it “Moonstruck Breakfast,” and now I cook it every chance I get.

Little did my smug self know, the world already knows about “Moonstruck Breakfast.” Wikipedia calls it “Eggs in a Basket,” and gives other names ranging from “Moon-over-Miami Eggs” to “Eggy in the Basket” to “Gas House Eggs.” I had no idea how popular this recipe was and that it had been featured not only in Moonstruck, but also Moon Over Miami, and V for Vendetta.

I like my recipe, however, as it’s cooked in olive oil not butter, and also has the red peppers on the side.

When I mentioned this whole recipe debacle to my local barista, Mary Jane, she laughed so hard she almost bit her tongue. She said a friend of hers calls it “Egg in a Bread Hole,” and that, I think, is the best name. Henceforth, “Egg in a Bread Hole.”

Today I received an email from “Procurer.” The subject line was “Re: by cancel sphagnum.” Do people really open these emails? And who’s sending them? Who is Procurer? Sounds like a super hero to me.  Is there software out there that helps spammers (or should I say Viagra salespeople?) come up with these lines? Or is this coming from a room full of monkeys at typewriters? Here’s a sample from my in-box, plus one I made up. See if you can you tell which one. 

• Elmer Gregg: stagnation mental
• Eddy Coffmann: unattached amok
• Dolly McKnight: profundity horny
• Dob Romero: extraction
• Augustus Smart: syphilis confrontation
• Anthony: understudy corporal punishment
• Alice Holland: trench coat overwhelmingly
• Algernon Rubio: daub next
• Benedict Leonard: deep
• Becky Becker: day-to-day offhand
• Eve Kuhn: northern see
• Gideon Oconnell: bathing suit quarterfinal
• Hatty Melendez: g-string self-respecting
• Jake Haney: bin plating
• Josephine Good: Santa Claus sunshine
• Kathleen Payton: negotiator horn
• Louis Martinez: mustang filmmaker
• Mabel Dalton: permutation high-strung
• Miriam Padilla: herring commodity
• Nathan: chronology turbine
• Nik Yoder: papacy earlobe
• Pauline Carrillo: misery waxiness
• Sam Strong: spontaneity burn
• Wallace Obrien: illustrious percussion
• Will Bone: rapacious bona fide 

If you guessed Will Bone, you’re correct.

Hey Ya Cover

I know you’re all familiar with Outkast’s “Hey Ya.” Just wanted you to know there is this acoustic cover that will knock your socks off.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky said, “Love animals: God has given them the rudiments of thought and joy untroubled. Do not trouble their joy, don’t harass them, don’t deprive them of their happiness, don’t work against God’s intent. Man, do not pride yourself on superiority to animals; they are without sin, and you, with your greatness, defile the earth by your appearance on it, and leave the traces of your foulness after you - alas, it is true of almost every one of us!”  He further said, “Love all God’s creatures, the animals, the plants. Love everything to perceive the divine mystery in all.”

Obviously, Michael Vick has defiled the earth by leaving traces of his foulness after him. Dozens of dogs were seized and will be killed at a shelter as a result of his poor choices. Michael Vick is missing the “divine mystery in all.” That is without a doubt.

Initially, I could hardly fathom the charges against Vick. He’s popular, talented, handsome, paid huge sums of money, and he’s one of the quarterbacks I most love to watch. I couldn’t believe he was involved in something so low, so sick, so dark. But he is–by his own admission, he is.

Frankly, if Vick had been involved with betting on boxing or something like that where participation is consensual, I don’t think I’d have too much of a problem with it, morally (Even though the NFL says no betting.) But he was involved in an operation where the participants do not have a say. That’s reprehensible. It’s like child porn of the canine world.

In his televised apology, I noticed two things: Vick never apologized to God for harassing His creations and depriving them of their joy and happiness. He really should do that or I, and a lot of other people, will never believe that he has any remorse beyond his being caught.

The other thing I noticed is he twice referred to himself as Michael Vick. The only other person who comes to mind who refers to himself in third person is Smash on the TV series Friday Night Lights. Smash is a high school football player, so he’s at about the same emotional level as Michael Vick. Any time someone refers to himself in third person, I get a little nervous. It’s like he is living outside his own body; it’s someone else he’s talking about. Michael Vick should have said, “I take full responsibility, and I’m going to improve myself.” Period. Not, “I’m going to work on Michael Vick, the man, not the football player.” If he’s sincere about taking responsibility for his actions, he needs to start saying “I,” “me,” “mine.”

However, I don’t think time in the hoosegow is what Vick needs. He needs to spend seven days a week for a couple of years at an animal shelter, scooping poop, feeding, grooming and caring for lost, abused, neglected, sick and stray animals. He needs to see how many pit bulls come through those shelters and are killed because they are unadoptable. He needs to see that his Bad Newz Kennels is a part of that cycle of pain, destruction, and death, and he needs to put himself squarely in the center of it, and REALLY take a look at himself. And if he’s putting his life in God’s hands, as he said he is, he needs to go ahead and apologize to God for abusing His creations.